John ‘Two Shags’ Prescott

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John Prescott - Our Multi-Talented Deputy (or Ex-Deputy) Prime Minister - New Labour’s Official Buffoon

The Deputy Prime Minister as Stand-Up Comedian

John Prescott shows us how to keep the House entertained when standing in for the PM at Question Time – ‘Just Like That’

Quantum Mechanics for Deputy Prime Ministers

John Prescott attempts to clarify his statements to the House on March 23rd. 2005, concerning the date of the forthcoming election.  He argues that the date of the election is governed by quantum events and therefore is both on May 5th and simultaneously not on May 5th, being in fact a superposition of the two states, in a similar way to Schrödinger's Cat being both dead and alive at the same time.  Consequently he maintains that we won't actually know the date of the Election until someone collapses the wave function shifting it from the quantum to the physical world.

Unarmed Combat

Another of John Prescott’s invaluable skills - for all those tricky political situations likely to end in a public brawl.

'Take Two Eggs…' - John Prescott takes on Delia.

Gesture Politics.

Taxation for Dummies

John Prescott shows us how to let the Council Tax rise by much more than inflation each year and somehow get away with it. For all those who don't know their Poll Tax from their Withholding Tax and may have to answer Parliamentary Questions on the subject. 

28.01.2006 Government Announces Health MOT Checks

“Well I’m sorry Mr. Prescott, you’ve failed your Health MOT - your exhaust emissions exceed the permitted levels”.

House of Commons

Session 2005-06

Register of Members' Interests and Disinterests

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The Register of Members' Interests and Disinterests is published soon after the beginning of a new Parliament, without the authority of the Committee on Standards and Privileges, and annually thereafter. Between publications the Register is regularly updated in a loose leaf form and, in that form, is available for public inspection. These amendments are also reflected in the Internet edition which is current as at 14 December 2005. Employment agreements deposited with the Registrar are available for personal inspection only.

PRESCOTT, Rt. Hon. John (Kingston upon Hull East)
10.	Miscellaneous interests
	Developing my idiolect with malapropism, solecism, metathesis, anacoluthon, catachresis and lapsus linguae or is it lapis linguae?
	Studying Cacology – I want an ‘ology.

Quotations Attributed to John Prescott:

"The railways have been underperforming for decords," .. "Railtrack must come to a definition".

"If I was to read everything that I read about myself in the papers, I wouldn't have time to do my job."

“The sceptre of unemployment stalking the North-East".

''Bugger off. Get on your bus, you amateur.'' – to a Welsh Journalist.

"I'm not going to read that fu**ing New Labour crap," - when asked to deliver a Blair speech in 1998.

Buncefield plume made up of "carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide and hydrocardigans".

"had to live in one of these hostiles" - as he spoke of the time when he was an unemployed seaman.

The Labour movement is ready to "go back now, forwards, back to full employment".

The Green Belt is "a Labour policy, and we intend to build on it".

John Prescott has denied saying that the Bush administration had been "crap" on the Middle East road map, this is a shame because he might have gone on the record as saying something sensible for a change.

The John Prescott Toby Jug – A must for all collectors. John Prescott M.P. (MalaPropist) was impressed by the likeness and said that ‘imitation was the sincerest form of flatulence’.

John Prescott checks in to the Hotel for the Labour Party Conference.

15.01.2006 – Stardust may Contain Signs of Life

NASA's Stardust sample return mission returned safely to Earth today when the capsule carrying cometary and interstellar particles successfully touched down at 2:10 a.m. Pacific time in the desert salt flats of the U.S. Air Force Utah Test and Training Range. ‘Ten years of planning and seven years of flight operations were realized early this morning when we successfully picked up our return capsule off of the desert floor in Utah’, said Tom Duxbury, Stardust project manager at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Pasadena. Early examinations of the cometary particles by scanning electron microscope have shocked scientists, and the theories of how life emerged on Earth may now have to be re-written. It is generally believed that organic molecules, which contain carbon atoms and are present in all life forms known to science, are trapped in large amounts in both interstellar clouds and comets. The electron micrographs appear to show that primitive bacteria-like organisms exist in the cometary particles and these may have been responsible for bringing life to the Earth.

The new ‘Remote Controlled John Prescott’ – ready in time for Christmas.

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